The answer to the title of how to get over a miscarriage is short, you can’t. You can do things to help you through it, however. Living a healthy life despite having been through this experience.
Getting through a miscarriage is lonely. No one wants to talk about death, especially death of a child so you feel like you can’t speak about how you feel. No one else has mentioned their experience so you feel like you are the only one even though 10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage (which means the amount of women who have had one are much greater). You are not alone. There are many women on your side who know the exact hurt you are experiencing.
It’s ok to grieve
The biggest thing to understand about this time in your life is it is ok to grieve the baby you never had. “You can’t miss what you never had” does not apply to the life that was growing inside you. If you have other children, have a trusted babysitter come pick them up and allow some time for yourself to mourn. My mom gifted me a jewelry box that I put a couple cards we received from family who knew our situation, a stuffed animal we bought for the baby and my hospital bracelet in. I keep it in my closet and sometimes I still look through it wondering about this life that I was not ever able to meet. I even have a name for him or her.
Do what you have to do to allow yourself to feel.
Talk to your support partner about what you are feeling, even if you don’t really know. It is important that both of you understands each other’s hearts and you cling to each other. Miscarriages can rip a marriage apart. Don’t let that be you. If you are taking it really hard seek professional help. The money spent is worth your mental health and the health of your support partner. There are counselors out there that are donation, cheap or free, don’t let finances be an excuse.
Talk to other moms. I can almost guarantee you in a group of moms, there is one or more women that have been through this before. Sometimes knowing you are not the only one is just what you need. Get into a mom group, a pregnancy group or just talk to your existing friends who are moms . It will be hard to drag yourself to a group. When you are ready, allow yourself that time to talk to others who have been there.
Count your blessings
If you don’t have children yet, do something special with your support. Have a special day or weekend where you just go to refocus on each other. Remember why you are together. Make a list of what you love about one another and express it in non-sexual ways.
If you have other children latch on to them. Take a small trip somewhere. Do something special with them so you understand how lucky you are to have them. Give yourself a break and take it easy during this time. Don’t do anything crazy, just simple, special time. You aren’t looking to escape from your feelings, that is not the point of this, it is to rediscover the blessings in your life.
Create a keepsake
Every child is special, even the ones you lose. There are no words for when a mother loses a child. Creating something that you can look back on and remember is a great way to hold on to that memory of something so special that you never got to spend time with. It gives you a little bit of closure where you may not otherwise be able to get it. It allows you to recognize that yes, there was someone there and you love them just as you would have if you were blessed with their life. Having something physical that you can keep in your closet can help you mentally and emotionally. You can have that connection to the one you shared your body with for too short a time.
Don’t feel obligated
These things are only suggestions when you feel that you are ready. Don’t feel like the next day you have to do one or any of these things. If you need to sit alone and cry for a while it’s ok. Give yourself a healthy amount of time to do that. If you are having a really hard time with it please, seek help. I can not put a time definition on it because everyone’s emotions and situation is different. If you still have not reached out to your support partner after a few days I would probably tell you that you should be talking to them at least. Again, marriages fall apart with this hardship, you don’t want that to be you. You may not be healthy but your support needs to know that so they can help you any way they can.
You can and will come through this. You will never get over it but you will be alright if you take the steps now to become well again. Then you can share your story with someone else who may need comfort one day.
I am not a doctor nor do I claim to be, I am talking from experience only.
Peace and Balance,