How do you know when you are done having kids? Some people just know. Some people wonder the rest of their lives. I want to help you with your decision so you are as confident as possible.
After my second one I was not sure if I wanted to continue having kids.
My ex husband said that I was unbearable to live with while I was pregnant and he didn’t want to go through it again-decision made OK. When I brought up a vasectomy to him he refused. His reasoning, “what if I want to have another child with someone else.” Yup! You read that right! I was not sure if I was done having kids, but I was sure I was done with him. After a while of being single I got an overwhelming feeling that I would have children with the next person I had a meaningful relationship with. I had another 2 and I knew for sure I was done after that. I didn’t have any uneasy feelings after number 4. I knew I would not regret never having any more.
Let’s take it to the extreme
If you don’t have more kids what will your life look like? Sure, you are happy with the one(s) you have, but will you have this feeling of wondering for years to come? Let’s say something medical happens tomorrow and you are unable to have any more.
You go into a doctor appointment and she tells you that you have an issue with your tissue and you will be OK but you can not have any more children because your uterus would not be able to hold the child. She recommends that you get your tubes tied or your husband gets a vasectomy this week.
What would your feelings be? Really think about that. Would you feel that your family is complete? Your heart can give just enough to the one(s) you have been blessed with that you don’t need to fill a void with an adopted child or anything else that may or may not be healthy?
Would you feel an emptiness that you would want to adopt or even foster a child. You have so much extra love to give that you would feel regret if you did not have another child to pour into.
What if you found out you were pregnant tomorrow morning? Despite the precautions you are taking (or not taking hehe) you have been blessed with another child. You are now responsible for going through the next 9 months of sharing your body. You will start over with both the wonderful things like baby smells, first laugh, first steps, little faces and toes. Also, the not-so-wonderful things like sleepless nights, doctor visits, sicknesses, sticky hands, broken things around the house, not being able to do anything for yourself for the next 18 years. Do you crave that? Of course the good times outweigh the bad but do you look forward to the next 18 years with that baby? Are you excited knowing that you are about to have another child?
Do you see it as another obstacle you will have to get past to start living your life? Do you have big dreams for when they are all grown and gone? Or do you want to include this little one in the plans you have for this time in your life? Looking at that pregnancy test do you touch your stomach knowing there is someone in there and feel stress? or overwhelming joy? Are the next 18 years something you can not live without?
Take time to go through each of these scenarios in your mind AND with your support partner. Think of everything. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you would feel if these were true.
Ultimately this is your and your support’s decision. If one of you is a “no” then both of you are a “no” that’s how it works. “No” wins, always. With that said, this is not anyone else’s decision. It’s not your mom’s or your best friend, or your co-worker’s decision. It’s also none of their business but when you get asked over and over again if you are going to have more kids you should feel confident with your answer. It is not their business, but you don’t need that self-doubt.
Please do not regret the decisions in your life. This is why the extremes are so important to discuss. Which extreme would you regret more?